(insert gif of michael scott saying "i'm dead inside")
hellooo. my name is emma, and the #1 thing that you need to know about me is that every time a retelling of alice in wonderland is published wherein alice fights the jabberwock, a portion of my precious soul shrivels up and dies.
but honestly for everything else.......just read my about page. why are we here
I love cookies. This fact probably forms one of the cornerstones of my personality, alongside my semi-nocturnal sleep schedule and my hatred of the B line. Another sad fact of my life is that I am debilitatingly lazy when it comes to cooking. Meals I have eaten this week include: half a bagel; three mandarin oranges, paired with a handful of tortilla chips; one of those Chewy granola bars that are basically candy.
Basically, we’re thriving.
All of this means I never have cooking and/or baking ingredients on hand, because they would absolutely expire before I used them up. Which means I am forced to seek out a homemade-esque cookie alternative elsewhere.
That is where the grocery store comes in. Most grocery store chains have some sort of eerily identical allegedly homemade cookie, in the following varieties: chocolate chip, M&M (or whatever generic word meaning M&M suits your fancy), oatmeal chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, sugar, peanut butter, brownie.
In an astonishingly short amount of time, I have managed to try each and every one of these cookies. Except oatmeal raisin. Oatmeal raisin cookies are simply granola bars.
Now, it’s time to rank them. This will be done through a rubric based on chewiness (a must), overall flavor (obviously), whether they are somewhat gross (an occupational hazard of factory-line desserts), and if I could make quick work of a whole bag.
There are very few purely, truly, unambiguously one hundred percent Good things in this world. It is the nature of living. But there are fully good things to be found. That picture of Orlando Bloom delightedly bicycling with a small dog in a makeshift Babybjörn, for instance. Or the cinematic masterpiece Zendaya is Meechee.
Three such gifts to humanity are Target, Christmastime, and ridiculous and unnecessary items that cost less than $10. As Justin Bieber once said, “It’s the most beautiful time of the year”: the time when the Target dollar spot is transformed into a shrine to yuletide.
The only thing that could make these items better is a full, thoughtful, very serious review.
I hate beginning friendships, but I love maintaining them. There are few things as great in this world as talking to someone you may not have spoken to in a while, but whom you know you could pick up with like no time had passed at all. In fact, probably only two things are better: warm cookies, and that occurrence when you get inside and just as you get in the sky opens up and boom torrential rain, but it couldn’t get you, because you are more powerful than nature itself.
Anyway. It’s not always easy to keep up with people who aren’t physically near you, but it is worth it, both because it’s nice and it makes going home for the holidays a hell of a lot less awkward. You try meeting up with your old group of friends if you’ve ghosted them for a semester.
Not cute. Here are five tips to avoid that direness.
I hate making new friends. It is awkward, and stressful, and involves “putting yourself out there” and “taking risks,” two of my all-time least favorite activities. Also, like most things I hate, I am bad at it.
Which is why after my freshman year of college, I decided to leave a place where I was comfortable and had friends and knew people and was so close to home I could go home any weekend. It makes complete sense that I would abandon that for a city six to eight hours away where I knew no one and would be living with total strangers.
Especially considering the fact that I handled my first new-college experience very well. (Narrator: She did not handle it well.)
When it comes to school, I have precisely two modes. Either I am living my life as if I have never before attended school, as though for all intents and purposes I am the human equivalent of a tumbleweed, drifting through life with no burdens or responsibilities; or I am a sleepless zombie editing the same sentence of a paper that isn’t due for three days until the sun rises. There is absolutely no in between.
Since high school, I have dedicated all of my energy to making sure that I do not revert into Anthropomorphic Tumbleweed Mode, which means it’s been all school obsession all the time. In the hopes of preventing a mental breakdown or two, I’ve been trying to chill out a bit. Here are some of the ways to maintain that balance.
The best reading season is inarguably fall. Summer is sometimes nice for reading outside, except that actually it’s super hot and sweaty and buggy and awful. People glorify “beach reads,” but books get all sandy and suncreen-y and warped just from being near the ocean, I guess. (Insert Danny from The Mindy Project shouting “I fear the ocean out of respect” here.) Reading in the winter is terrible because it’s constantly freezing, and if you’re wrapped in a blanket, your hands are exposed in order to hold the book. Unless you’re in possession of a Snuggie™, months of suffering ensue. And spring is mostly just Winter: The Sequel.
But fall…fall is the best. It’s a mix of nice days—you can read outside and the trees are pretty!—and brisk days—you can read inside and be super comfy! Also, hot beverages make their triumphant return, and everyone knows that there is no better way to read than with a cup of coffee/tea/cocoa/cider.
Luckily, there are also a ton of books that fit perfectly with fall. Whether they take place during the season, are ideal to curl up with, or just feel cozy and atmospheric, some books just scream “autumn.” (And not just because they’re thrillers or horrors and therefore feel Halloween-y. That’s the coward’s way out of a fall recommendation list. No, we’re going genre by genre.)
I am a sucker for a must-read book list. A hundred-books-to-read-in-a-lifetime list? Sold. A ranking of thirty literary fiction books you just have to read before you turn thirty? You’ve got my attention. If someone just rattled off a bunch of those recently-published books that are actually just Wattpad fanfiction in a light disguise under the heading “You Have To Read These,” there’s a 75 percent chance I’d at least consider adding them to my to-read list.
That’s why the end of the year is the perfect storm for me. It’s when all of the nominees for the prestigious literary awards are announced, and each one of those lists is essentially a must-read list in and of itself. Even with the Nobel Prize for Literature not happening this year, it’s a lot to take in.
Simply put, I do not have the time to read dozens of heavy/intense/depressing/heavily stylized books right now. (Or ever.) So a brisk comb-through of the just-announced 2018 National Book Award Finalists is in order.
A Lucky Man by Jamel Brinkley
My tiny synopsis: This short story collection is an exploration of black masculinity, through nine different perspectives and moments.
My tiny synopsis: When his mother is sent to jail, Sequoyah, a Cherokee teenager, is placed in foster care. There, he meets and bonds with Rosemary, another Native American teenager with a turbulent past.
My tiny synopsis: A story in two perspectives: the first, Yale, a museum curator just beginning to find success in 1985 Chicago, when the AIDS epidemic begins to touch everyone he knows. The second, Fiona, a woman in contemporary Paris searching for her missing daughter when she is forced to reexamine her time in the middle of the epidemic in Chicago.
My tiny synopsis: When a woman’s best friend dies, she is unexpectedly saddled with caring for her Great Dane. The woman and the dog come to love each other SO MUCH.
Promising review excerpt: “This elegant novel explores both rich memories and day-to-day mundanity, reflecting the way that, especially in grief, the past is often more vibrant than the present.” (More on Publishers Weekly ->)
The Indian World of George Washington: The First President, the First Americans, and the Birth of the Nation by Colin G. Calloway
My tiny synopsis: The title just about covers it: this is a nonfiction exploration of George Washington’s relationships with Native Americans. This book is 620 pages long and I’m assuming at least 20 of them are for that title alone. (Buh dum ch.)
Promising review excerpt: “George Washington’s life [is] a lens for uncovering forgotten history in this detailed account of interactions between Native and white Americans during the latter half of the 18th century.” (More on Publishers Weekly ->)
American Eden: David Hosack, Botany, and Medicine in the Garden of the Early Republic by Victoria Johnson
My tiny synopsis: This guy David Hosack was one of four guys who were at that Hamilton-Burr duel, so if you like Hamilton this will probably interest you. Hosack was an excellent doctor and botanist, apparently, and plants are cool.
Promising review excerpt: “History buffs and avid gardeners will find Hosack an appealing and intriguing figure who doubles as an exemplar of the qualities of a vibrant and expanding America.” (More on Publishers Weekly ->)
The New Negro: The Life of Alain Locke by Jeffrey C. Stewart
My tiny synopsis: This is a biography of Alain Locke, a mentor to figures like Langston Hughes and Zora Neale Hurston and the man who has been called the father of the Harlem Renaissance.
Promising review excerpt: “Stewart creates a poignant portrait of a formidable yet flawed genius who navigated the cultural boundaries and barriers of his time while nurturing an enduring African-American intellectual movement.” (More on Publishers Weekly ->)
We the Corporations: How American Businesses Won Their Civil Rights by Adam Winkler
My tiny synopsis: This book details the quest of corporations to gain constitutional rights, and the ways that the rights of the corporation now largely equal the rights of the individual. I imagine it makes everyone who reads it screaming mad.
Promising review excerpt: “Winkler employs an evocative, fast-paced storytelling style, making for an entertaining and enlightening book that will likely complicate the views of partisans on both sides of the issue.” (More on Publishers Weekly ->)
The Truth as Told by Mason Buttle by Leslie Connor
My tiny synopsis: I specifically remember reading the synopsis of this book several months ago, saying “no, too sad,” and putting it down. Mason Buttle is an overweight boy with learning disabilities who is ruthlessly bullied, and who is being investigated in the murder of his best friend. Then apparently that wasn’t sad enough, because his other friend goes missing too. Even the synopsis overwhelms.
Promising review excerpt: “Poignant and suspenseful, Mason’s story crystallizes an adolescent boy’s joys and fears as he comes into his own.” (More on Publishers Weekly ->)
The Journey of Little Charlie by Christopher Paul Curtis
My tiny synopsis: Charlie’s dad, a sharecropper, dies, and a Very Bad Dude named Cap’n Buck comes to collect money Charlie doesn’t have. He agrees to track down some fugitives in order to forgive the debt – but discovers the fugitives are really runaway slaves.
Promising review excerpt: “Written in persuasive dialect and piloted by a hero who finds the courage to do what he knows is right, Curtis’s unsparing novel pulls no punches as it illuminates an ugly chapter of American history.” (More on Publishers Weekly ->)
Well, this was not helpful even a little bit. Note to self: Next time you want to avoid adding a bunch of books to your to-read list, at points in your life when you can afford neither the time or the money, don’t look into potentially award-winning books.
And for the love of all that is holy, don’t also read a bunch of glowing reviews of them.
All of these books look amazing and these are only three main categories. For more information on the short-list, including the nominees in the categories of Poetry and Translated Literature (a new addition this year), click here. Keep an eye out for the announcement of the winners November 14!
Ah, the city school. There are so many upsides to attending a college in the heart of downtown: the exciting nearby events; the discounted access to museums and fancy cultural stuff; the jaw-dropping number of CVS franchises in a one-block radius. (It is truly mystifying that so many identical retail pharmacies can exist in such close proximity to each other without any threat to business whatsoever.)
However, with all upsides come downsides. Such is the way of the universe. There are two exceptions to this rule: the film Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again, which is perfect, and the food known as the buttered popcorn jelly bean, which is one hundred percent downside and so unabashedly evil it is concrete evidence of the existence of the devil.
Going to college in the city has a downside, and it is this: it is expensive to live in a city, so unless you live on campus, you might have to move to the outskirts. And moving to the outskirts means spending a lot of time on transit. Here are some of my hard-won strategies to surviving my time on the train.
I am terrible at making playlists. I have weird (or nonexistent) taste in music, so it’s useless to craft anything more specific than the seven-hour “songs I like” playlist that is practically the only thing in my Spotify. Also, it’s boring to me to sort songs, which is why my sole playlist still contains songs I liked in 2015. And why I spend more time skipping songs than listening to them. Luckily, there is no need for me to force myself to be better at the fine art of playlist-making, because movie soundtracks exist.
Movie soundtracks make for a better-curated, more aesthetic-y, overall more fulfilling and inventive music listening experience than any playlist you could make yourself. To prove this point, I have collected here some of my absolute favorite movie soundtracks. Click the album art for a link to the music!
Grocery shopping is one of the worst activities in the world, and I am incredibly bad at it. I always put it off until the last possible minute, until my food stores are down to four baby carrots and a handful of animal crackers. I always end up shopping when I’m hungry, which is a baseline no-no. And I always get unbelievably bored while I’m doing it, ending up tossing things in my basket to speed up the process until my receipt looks like someone set an eleven-year-old loose in the cookie aisle.
In my endeavors to make this errand more tolerable, I have come up with a rubric for grocery store perfection. Here are six grocery stores in the Boston area, judged for price, location, snack selection, and overall vibe – on a scale where one is bad and five is utopian.